This is a test of the Emergency Snark Harnessing System

There are days in working e-commerce that sorely test my Emergency Snark Harnessing System. Those days make up about 250 days out of the year.

Please, for the love of all that's holy, people, I know the internet is full of shiny, but read the description before you take the time to hunt down contact information and ask questions. I'd love to say there are no stupid questions, but yes, yes there are. A lot of them. And almost all of them can be answered in the privacy of your own home and head by just reading the description of the item you're looking to purchase.

The fact about these that amazes me most is that people take the time to find the contact button and type a question, but can't take the time to read the few lines of information that are right there below the item photo. See photo, want thing, but all these...words. Bah. I'll just ask.

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Let's say I'm selling a 8" x 12" poster of a pink flower in a white setting that is described as printed on a self-adhesive paper so no frame, putty, or pins are required. It is shown applied on a blue wall in a bedroom.

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Some of my recent favorites from the trying-my-patience file and the responses the ESHS did not allow me to send:

I really like this poster. Is it self adhesive?
Seriously?

Does this poster glow in the dark?
Does it say it does? Is it shown glowing in the dark? Umm no. So why would you think it might?

Is this a poster?
*headdesk*

What size is the bed in this room? I have a queen bed and am wondering how the poster would look in relation to that.
Do you not own a measuring device of any kind? Did you not consider that this would be so much easier to hold up to YOUR wall in the room with YOUR bed?

I have a green wall, do you think the poster will look good on that?
I am not in your house. I do not know what your wall or room looks like, and I'll hazard a guess my design tastes are different than yours. Do YOU think it will look good? I'm going to say yes because I want to pay my bills.

Will this poster work in a kitchen?
No, the adhesive is specially formulated to only adhere to bedroom walls.

How big is the poster?
Come on. You're not even trying. They are the only numbers in the entire three sentence description.

Will this poster dent my wall?
Does paper normally dent your wall? What are your walls made of that this is even a question?

How would I apply this poster to my wall? Does it require adhesive or pins?
Do you require reading glasses?

I have a frame that I picked up at a garage sale. It was gold but I didn't like it, so I painted it black. It turned out really nice. Last weekend I hung it on my living room wall, but it needs something. I think this poster is just the thing I'm looking for. Will it fit in my frame?
While I might enjoy reading about projects regarding refinishing and repurposing, I get my fix on blogs focusing on this stuff in my free time. Also, look around. Am I standing beside you with a tape measure? No. Have you provided measurements of the frame, which would answer your own question? No. Did you read the measurements of the poster that I clearly provided in the description? Again, no.

I would like a quote on a custom poster using the poem I have provided. I don't know how big I want it yet, but how much would it be?
Well, somewhere between $2 and $4,000. Get back to me when you look at your space and get an idea of how big you want it.

I want to order the poster you have listed. Please make it custom for me.
*crickets*  I'm supposed to know what you want customized, how?

I would like to order this poster, but I want it with the pink flower that is shown. How do I order that?
Uhhh, click the buy button? I don't know where you've shopped before, but we typically don't  randomly change the items from what is shown and then ship them out for giggles.

Can I order this poster with a different background instead of the blue one?
That is a wall. On that wall is the poster that is being sold. Think about it for two more seconds and the answer will become clear.

(On a customer note on an already purchased pink flower poster order waiting to be fulfilled): Please make this poster 16 x 24 and of a photo of a golden retriever playing in the grass. Thanks.
Sooo, you purchased an item and paid for it, but it's not at all what you actually want, and I'm supposed to provide art I don't have and double the size for no additional charge. Does this tactic work anywhere else? No? Amazing. It doesn't work here either.

Reading: It's important. Except for that last one. That was just amazingly assumptive and fully deserving of snark.

Gone in a Flash

Time for another ISWG post. I just got back from a lovely massage and am all nice and relaxed...except for the continuous need for a box of Kleenex thanks to allergy season. But, rather than dwell on my dripping nose, how about I grump about my apparent inability to write flash.

For years I have tried to be succinct, to cover a story from beginning to end in under a thousand words, to work in details and make it feel whole. Yet, my most recent attempt has returned to me with several rejections with lovely comments (all comments truly are lovely and very much appreciated even when I might grump about them here) to the tune of: I like the idea/characters/plot, but it feels like it needs more story.

If it needs more story, then its no longer in the flash category then is it?

So either I need to resign myself to the fact that I'm meant to stick with the short story lengths I'm good at, or I need to keep banging my head on the keyboard until I can make this work. Perhaps I should just accept that I don't write stories where no one dies, everyone gets their happily ever after or flash fiction. It's good to know one's limits, right? 

July Eye Report

July has been a whirlwind of evening and weekend activities. I started the month off by participating in a close by author event with thirty-some other authors, most local and some from distant shores.

Other than that one day, I took the month off from all things writing in favor of relaxing and showing our young Spanish guest around town. We spent a long weekend up around Mackinac Island, did a lot of biking, and ate a lot of pizza and ice cream. We did a lot of local sightseeing as well, visiting beaches, nature parks, malls, museums, and a large assortment of restaurants, shops and tourist attractions.

Now that she's gone, its back to cooking dinner, cleaning the house, hanging out with the chickens, gardening and, of course, writing. The first round of edits are in on Trust so I'll be hitting those hard and then waiting on round two and working on edits of Sahmara. Ah the joys of edits. I do actually enjoy them for the most part.

Speaking of chickens, two of the girls have finally started earning
their keep. We got our first eggs this week! I'm pretty sure these two are discussing the finer points of egg laying. Once all six get going, we should have enough eggs for all the friends, family and neighbors who have been inquiring about getting on the receiving end of our eggs.

While I've been taking a break from writing, I've been enjoying a great deal of reading and watching...

Top of my reading list, the first three books of the Outlander series. These 800 to 1000 page tomes have been good company to relax with out on the porch while the chickens roam about the yard. (We have a lot of predators around so they only get to roam while under supervision.) Now if only I could figure out how to turn off the Scottish accent that has invaded my head. Only a pile more of these giant books to go, I'm have a feeling I won't be hearing the last of that accent for a good long while.

On the watching front, we sped through The Shannara Chronicles now that all of the first season is available on Netflix. Our teen Spanish guest and our daughter enjoyed this. My husband and I mocked the incredible amount of angsty open mouth and round-eyed looks, guessing the predicable dialogue before it was spoken and counting the cliches as they flew by. But we did see the season out and would probably watch more if for nothing else than it's a fantasy series we can watch with our teenager. While there was some implied sex, it didn't venture into uncomfortable to watch together territory. I haven't read any of the books, though I hazard to assume they must be better than that show, and may attempt reading one in the future. I guess in that regard, the tv series did work.

We've also been working our way through the second season of Wayward Pines. I'm liking this season more than the first because of the exploration of the world rather than focusing on the reveal-centric themes of the first season. However, they've managed to kill off the majority of the main cast so it feels like either the writers are doing a lot of house cleaning or the series is going to hell fast. Time will tell if there is a third season.

My horrible sleep cycle (sleep sound for 3 or 4 hours, wake up for 1 or 2 and then sleep good again for 1 or 2 more), has allowed for a lot of early hour viewing with earbuds in my comfy chair where the light of my laptop doesn't bother anyone else. How badly have I been sleeping? Let's just say I've worked my way through ten seasons of Supernatural.

The Heat is Here

Summer has finally hit Michigan in full force, bringing hot humid weather that some hate, and I generally enjoy. Yes, it can be miserable, but I prefer to appreciate the heat while it's here, knowing we'll be back to ice and snow soon enough.

The tomatoes are growing. Blueberry season is beginning and I've discovered this hybrid melon that tastes like a golden delicious apple. It is in fact, delicious.

July brought a halt to writing with the arrival of our student from Spain, who is spending the month here in Michigan. We had a great time with the student we hosted last year so we're doing it again. While our guest is quiet, on a level that rivals my daughter, we're managing to take some time each day to go do something fun, even it's just taking a walk to the dog park. Next weekend will bring a short road trip, but until then it's little adventures here and there.

In the midst of forth of July celebrations, I totally overlooked this months ISWG post last week. Oops! I shall make up for it next month.

For now, I'm off to enjoy the weather and an outdoor concert this evening. Next month I will have edits on Trust to dive into. I hope you're enjoying your summer too!

Time For A Garden

It's been a while since my last blog post. Either April burned me out far more than I'd realized or its one of those life got in the way things. More specifically work, but either way, my writing and blogging time has been relegated to the backseat for the past few weeks. I like to think it's sitting back there, making notes for when I allow it back into the passenger seat - hopefully not notes on how to do get back at me for making it sit in the back seat for so long. Because knowing the types of characters that I write, that's exactly what they are doing.

In the last post where I shared my garden, Andrea asked how to make time for yard work. Well, that's what we're going to chat about today.

As a mother who spent a lot of time on her flower beds from before kids onward into having teenagers, the first rule is: Plan to be interrupted at any given moment and work accordingly. This means, pick a small section, a corner, around a tree, the side of the house, whatever area doesn't feel entirely overwhelming. Acknowledge upfront that it won't get done in a day, or even maybe in a week. 

Get your tools together and check on the kids, whether they are in the house with someone else or running hilly nilly through the yard, and then get to work. If I'm going to be planting a new flowerbed, I'll spend the first round of time marking the area and then clearing the grass (or weeds). Then I'll dispose of whatever I just cleared - ideally in the mulch pile that I keep in the back of my yard. At this point, I could be done for the day, or if everyone is behaving, break up the dirt and make a plan for what I want to plant there. Again, I could be done for the day.

If all is well, I'll begin planting. This is a point where I really try to keep things picked up as I go along because if I've made it this far into a day, it's very likely I'll get pulled away by someone. If, by some miracle, I manage to get everything planted, its time to break out the hose, give it all a drink and then toss a bag or two of mulch around everything. The mulch is an important step and should be done as soon as possible after the dirt is broken up because weeds will pop up very quickly in that nice loose soil. Mulch will keep them to a minimum. Mulch is your friend.

Eventually one little area spreads into another and another and before you know it, or years later, depending on your level of interruptions and ambition, you'll have a lovely garden to show for your efforts.

Things to keep in mind:

Gardens take perpetual upkeep. Even with my gardens established, cleaned up and mulched, I spend around ten to twenty minutes a day walking through and plucking out weeds while appreciating whatever is flowering that day. Only make the garden as big as you feel you have the time to maintain.

Mulch has to be replaced every year if its not put on thick enough, and every two years to keep it freshed up and make up for decomposition. I used around 9 yards of mulch the first year and only 5 the second to fill in the thin areas and then make it all uniform in color. Around here, 5 yards of mulch is about $150. Another thing to keep in the budget.

Flowers will need to be thinned or replaced depending on how well they do.

Roses are pretty, but can be finicky and need pruning. I enjoy them in other people's gardens.

Avoid shrubs that need yearly pruning. Unless you have time for that sort of thing. I thought I did at my old house. I was wrong. I'm opting for less time and stress in this garden.

A curved bed is more visually interesting than a straight edged one. Lay out out a hose to get a feel for the edge line does work nicely. If you have a riding lawn mower, be aware of the types of curves it can and can't mow in one easy swoop. You don't want to have to break out the weed whip every time you mow because you made the curves too severe.

Beds with a border are easier to maintain. Bricks and edging blocks cost around $1 each and make a great border that can be mowed right over. At the current house, I opted for the cheap black plastic edging that get's half buried in the ground. Seems like it was $20 for 50 ft or thereabouts. Make sure to keep enough above to hold 3-4 inches of mulch back from your grass. Rocks can make a natual border, but you'll need that weed whip to keep things looking neat, and it doesn't do a spectuacular job of keeping your grass and flowers seperated wherever the rocks meet.

Perennials are awesome. They come back year after year, will spread, and can be divided. Check when they flower and try to mix them so something is always flowering in each bed. Generally, once established, perennials take a less watering than annuals. 

Ornamental grasses, dwarf trees and shrubs add interest beyond the usual flowers.

Ask friends and family for pieces of plants you like from their gardens. Free plants! I've lost track of how many people I've given plants to over the years. I have plants from both my grandmothers that I moved from the old house to this one. It's a great way to remember people once they are gone and, even better, you can continue to pass them on to others.

Watch the clearance racks at your local nursery or home improvement stores. 95% of everything I buy is clearance or on super sale. Sure, it won't look great the first year, but next the year, it will. Just make sure to avoid anything that has mildew, or anything that looks like a disease. The majority of clearance plants are there because they're done flowering or the season is winding down and the nursery just wants to clear out all this stuff that's totally root bound. July is a great time to snag plant deals.

Don't worry about it being small the first year. Plants grow. A $1 perennial will look like the $9 pot of the same thing next year.

You can put perennials in your pots, or mix them with annuals for more summer color. When fall rolls around, transplant the perennials from your pots into a new flower bed and you'll have a head start on next year's gardening project. Or, if its a fairly large pot, keep them in the pot and move the pot to a protected area by the house to minimize damage from freezing.

Rocks add interest to flower beds. Stack them, spread them out, use them as a border, throw one here and there. I happened across someone wanting two cargo van loads of rocks out of the backyard of a house they'd recently purchased. It didn't cost me anything more than a lot of sweat and the gas to drive across town.

Gardening is an excellent workout but don't forget to wear sunscreen, because unlike the gym, the sun will get you while you sweat.

How long does it take to make a flowerbed the size of mine? That totally depends on how much time you have. At my old house, I had a lot (a whole lot) of smaller bed areas that equaled the size if my now one giant bed. I created those small beds, as dealing with my infant to teenage kids allowed, over 18 years. At the new house, with self-sufficient teens, I created the bed in two and half months. It was a long and sweaty, exhausting two and half months, but well worth it to have the whole thing done.

Spending time out in the flowers is a wonderful place to go while pondering plots or when your characters stop talking to you.

Happy gardening!