This is a test of the Emergency Snark Harnessing System

There are days in working e-commerce that sorely test my Emergency Snark Harnessing System. Those days make up about 250 days out of the year.

Please, for the love of all that's holy, people, I know the internet is full of shiny, but read the description before you take the time to hunt down contact information and ask questions. I'd love to say there are no stupid questions, but yes, yes there are. A lot of them. And almost all of them can be answered in the privacy of your own home and head by just reading the description of the item you're looking to purchase.

The fact about these that amazes me most is that people take the time to find the contact button and type a question, but can't take the time to read the few lines of information that are right there below the item photo. See photo, want thing, but all these...words. Bah. I'll just ask.

----

Let's say I'm selling a 8" x 12" poster of a pink flower in a white setting that is described as printed on a self-adhesive paper so no frame, putty, or pins are required. It is shown applied on a blue wall in a bedroom.

----

Some of my recent favorites from the trying-my-patience file and the responses the ESHS did not allow me to send:

I really like this poster. Is it self adhesive?
Seriously?

Does this poster glow in the dark?
Does it say it does? Is it shown glowing in the dark? Umm no. So why would you think it might?

Is this a poster?
*headdesk*

What size is the bed in this room? I have a queen bed and am wondering how the poster would look in relation to that.
Do you not own a measuring device of any kind? Did you not consider that this would be so much easier to hold up to YOUR wall in the room with YOUR bed?

I have a green wall, do you think the poster will look good on that?
I am not in your house. I do not know what your wall or room looks like, and I'll hazard a guess my design tastes are different than yours. Do YOU think it will look good? I'm going to say yes because I want to pay my bills.

Will this poster work in a kitchen?
No, the adhesive is specially formulated to only adhere to bedroom walls.

How big is the poster?
Come on. You're not even trying. They are the only numbers in the entire three sentence description.

Will this poster dent my wall?
Does paper normally dent your wall? What are your walls made of that this is even a question?

How would I apply this poster to my wall? Does it require adhesive or pins?
Do you require reading glasses?

I have a frame that I picked up at a garage sale. It was gold but I didn't like it, so I painted it black. It turned out really nice. Last weekend I hung it on my living room wall, but it needs something. I think this poster is just the thing I'm looking for. Will it fit in my frame?
While I might enjoy reading about projects regarding refinishing and repurposing, I get my fix on blogs focusing on this stuff in my free time. Also, look around. Am I standing beside you with a tape measure? No. Have you provided measurements of the frame, which would answer your own question? No. Did you read the measurements of the poster that I clearly provided in the description? Again, no.

I would like a quote on a custom poster using the poem I have provided. I don't know how big I want it yet, but how much would it be?
Well, somewhere between $2 and $4,000. Get back to me when you look at your space and get an idea of how big you want it.

I want to order the poster you have listed. Please make it custom for me.
*crickets*  I'm supposed to know what you want customized, how?

I would like to order this poster, but I want it with the pink flower that is shown. How do I order that?
Uhhh, click the buy button? I don't know where you've shopped before, but we typically don't  randomly change the items from what is shown and then ship them out for giggles.

Can I order this poster with a different background instead of the blue one?
That is a wall. On that wall is the poster that is being sold. Think about it for two more seconds and the answer will become clear.

(On a customer note on an already purchased pink flower poster order waiting to be fulfilled): Please make this poster 16 x 24 and of a photo of a golden retriever playing in the grass. Thanks.
Sooo, you purchased an item and paid for it, but it's not at all what you actually want, and I'm supposed to provide art I don't have and double the size for no additional charge. Does this tactic work anywhere else? No? Amazing. It doesn't work here either.

Reading: It's important. Except for that last one. That was just amazingly assumptive and fully deserving of snark.